Win with You, Add a Pinch of Others,and Mix Carefully.

In my "Win with You" post you discovered how important it is to take what you know about yourself, be real about what you see, decide you like it or you don't, and if not: shut up or do something about it. You also determined YOU are in charge of the program. Now, here is where you carefully add a pinch of others to the mix through our "measured" steps of discipline while remaining in charge of the program. What do I mean?, you ask. "AC, didn't you say in the "Win with YOU" post not to listen to others? No, I didn't actually. The point of that post was you have to be real with yourself first, and have a healthy perspective of your own person before you can expect to have a sexy, real and healthy relationship with anyone else.

Now, how do we add others to the mix in our lives? Very carefully, that's how. Assuming that you have done some real discovery work with yourself at this point, you now know that you have strengths and weaknesses. Because we are people who have vulnerabilities we need others around us to support us in a positive fashion. No, I am not talking about the "goody two shoes" friend who thinks being a good friend is to always make affirming comments, true or not, that make you feel good. These are not the people to immediately include in your close group of accountability (advisor) friends. You will never get the right kind of support from these people.

The people you allow closest to you have to be people who understand the person you are, the person you desire to be, and who will not, without challenge let you do destructive things contrary to your self-declared goals. These are typically people who have done the reality check themselves. They know how important it is NOT to let you off the hook when you do or say counterproductive things that do not match YOU. They will challenge you to step up in a moment of weakness and remind you of your self-stated objectives.

Goody two shoes does not understand these people and will tell you they are just "mean" people who don't care about you. Goody two shoes is offended by them because goody two shoes operates in weakness and has not done their own reality check. Goody two shoes can be in your friendship circle, but only in a student-friend role. What does that mean? It means, they can be close as long as you are the teacher and they are the student. These are the people YOU can positively challenge to greater things.

Careful! You must be the stronger influence in this situation. If the goody two shoes in your life is able to persuade you to embrace yourself as you are, even when it is contrary to what you know you REALLY feel: you cannot keep them close. It does not mean you have to lose them as a friend altogether, but until you are able to say "NO" to their patronizing pattern of friendship: you cannot keep them in your closest circle of "advisory" friends.

In paramount moments of weakness or indecisiveness in your life, run like fire is chasing you from "goody two shoes" and super glue yourself to the accountability friend (advisor).

Advisory type friends are the people you will hate for "moments" because they will with seemingly brutal honesty playback your own self-stated goals and not let you off the hook. They are also the people you will learn to love the most and deepest for it. Goody two shoes will strengthen your weakness, but an accountability (advisor) friend will strengthen YOU to conquer your weakness. They will risk making you upset if they believe it is in your best interest according to what they know YOU have declared about yourself. These people are operating in strength themselves and expect others close to them to be also, and to mean what they say.

This being said, the advisor friend does not know how to let you fail without challenging you. They will see it the same as letting themselves fail. While they are not dependent on your success for satisfaction, they do see your successes as an extension of themselves and the investment they have made in you as a friend.

Their is a caution here: If an advisor friend seems to take your success as their own, it's time to challenge them. What do I mean, "take your success as their own"? This is when the advisor, steps across the line of YOU. If every statement that leaves their mouth says, "I made you what you are, you couldn't have done it without me", YOU need to clip that right NOW. They have crossed the line into the bully, posing as a friend. I call them the poser friend. At times, this behavior is just a friend getting carried away with themselves while teasing a friend, but at other times, it is a bully (friend poser). The only way to find out is to challenge them. This brings us to our next question about the bully's role in our lives.

What! A bully's role in my life. Why would I want a bully in my life? You don't, but reality is, they are here. What do we do with them? First of all, sort them. "Is there more than one kind of bully"?, you ask. Yes, in a manner of speaking. Their is the intentional bully, but at times our friends simply get carried away with teasing and before realizing it, have hurt a friend. A true friend when challenged will reflect, apologize and redirect themselves in correct fashion. A bully (friend poser) has no remorse. After all, it is their intention to prey upon the vulnerabilities of others. Now, to be clear: a friend poser (bully) is way more gross than the average bully(stranger) because the friend poser (bully) thrives on being close to you at the inner circle to learn your weaknesses with the intention of keeping you down, while pretending to root you on. Anything you accomplish, they will diminish it by asserting you had little to do with the positive result. In other words, reminding you of the loser you are (according to them). This is different from the friend who just gets carried away and crosses the line for a moment of sillydom. They are easily known, because they will express genuine remorse.

So, what do we do with these bully's when we have sorted them. When it is a friend unintentionally carried away with teasing, you challenge them as discussed, accept their sincere apology and move on. The poser friend bully needs to be called out and kicked out. Period. They are bottom feeders. The stranger bully can have a positive role in your life. I know you think I have lost it. (laugh). No, I am just being REAL with the fact they are here, so now what?

Use them as a testament to how far you have come. If you have truly grasped the concept of YOU being in charge of the program, and only YOU have to be satisfied with what you see in the mirror, then YOU will be able to respond to the bully without the smallest sign of victory for them. They drink huge cups of satisfaction when they make you whimper, sulk, whine or respond defensively in front of others. But when they don't matter to you anymore: they are seen for the petty, miserable and weak creatures they are.

For example, if you are overweight and you have decided YOU are dissatisfied with that, and YOU have taken measured steps of discipline towards self-improvement, YOU will be stronger for those successes and the bully weaker in their power over you. Can you imagine the bully coming to you in front of others and saying, "big, fatty, stinky Patty, be careful, if she sits on you, you will go splatty." You smile responding, "Stinky Patty I don't know. Fatty Patty I used to know, and Patty that makes you go splatty is me: the one who makes your attempts to be hurtful fall flatty. Oh, and would you like to join me on a hike with my friends?" (snicker)


Now that's sexy, real, and healthy. You spanked the bully, showed them who they really are, and who you are without being defensive. You also challenged them to join you without compromising yourself. Maybe, you will have a new student-friend. Okay, maybe that's stretching it. But, it is possible. People will begin to see the empowered you and will find that attractive even if they don't understand why. Most importantly, the right kind of people will be drawn to you or closer to you.


Finally, once you have carefully added this "pinch of others" to the mix of your life the rest of the world fits in to its own place and you in yours. "What the heck does that mean"?, you ask. It means, this world is naturally divided into groups of people with similar interests and philosophies. You will never fit into or agree with them all. For that reason, if YOU have found what YOU desire, for YOU, then you will surround yourself and draw people to yourself who are like minded. You will be strong in your own person and scarcely affected by other groups of the world who don't agree with you.

There may be opportunities for real and healthy debates with other groups of the world,which can be very sexy too. Other groups who stand opposed to your way will respect you when you stand up strong for YOU and do not waiver under the pressure of others. An anonymous author once said, "He who stands for nothing, will fall for anything." This is so right. Know what you want to be true to and be true to what you know. When you know your objective is to win, and you stand your ground to do it, not only do you know where you stand, but so does your opponent.

Tell me about your triumphs.

http://www.sexy-real-healthy-relationships.blogpost.com/

Too Much, Too Fast Equals Too Many Failures.

Here is your answer I promised in my post, WIN with YOU.

In my previous post I touched on discipline as a problem people face when it comes to self-improvement efforts. It is a key you must have, but it's not exactly a lack of discipline that causes people to fail, it's having the right kind of discipline.

You, like me have seen people who literally make you want to hurl for all their talk about losing weight, getting fit, quitting smoking and so on. People seem to move from one miracle method to another. It gets really annoying and people typically lose all moral support from anyone who might have cared before miracle cure number 99 came along.

Well, this may seem ridiculously simple, but it's so true. The problem is not that you lack discipline to complete it, but you lack "measured" discipline to take realistic, progressive and achievable steps. What do I mean?

You don't go at it realistically. If you have been eating unhealthy for 20 years and you have gained a hundred pounds, you are not going to lose it overnight. You might lose your mind, but you won't lose the weight. Why? You are setting goals you cannot achieve. I see it all the time. People try to quit all their bad habits all at once. It won't work, you will fail as so many do right in front of my face everyday. Of course there is the exception to every situation, but reality is: for most of the world, it's not going to happen. You simply need a progressive, but disciplined plan with some built-in rewards.

First, start off small. Let's suppose, every morning you have a habit of skipping breakfast. Make eating breakfast every morning your first step. What big eater wouldn't love that? Why would I suggest this to people who are trying to stop eating so much? Because it is a fact: breakfast is the most important meal of the day. People who eat breakfast, eat less throughout the day. You continue this until it becomes a disciplined habit. A habit you can love, right? What? You don't like breakfast foods, huh? Nobody said it had to be eggs or cereal. Choose what you like, just eat breakfast.

Second, pick a meal, any meal and reduce, substitute or eliminate something. If you normally get a combo meal of some sort and you typically LARGE size it, just downsize the meal, or if that's too monumental of a step for you, just downsize the soda or fry. Just pick one. Whatever you do, be sure it is a choice you can succeed at and can become a disciplined habit. I did this, and guess what? I messed up sometimes. No, not on purpose as an excuse, but out of old habit. The hardest thing to get down is your ordering habits. We are creatures of habit. I had to really think through my order ahead of time and repeat to myself not to Large size the combo, or not to get the soda with my order. Instead of soda, I get water now. You won't believe what a difference dropping soda alone can make. Wow! Also, think about all the things you LOVE to eat. Write them down if you have to, but think through all that you enjoy eating. Pick out your favorites that are KNOWN healthy foods and eat more of them as a substitute for other, less healthy foods you enjoy. Now, you are filling your belly with the right things and still enjoying yourself.

I think you get the idea. You build in steps according to what YOU know about YOU. WIN with YOU. Once you begin, it's a great thing to decide you can have something you previously eliminated as a bad dietary habit all because you are in control. Yes, I treat myself from time to time. If I treat myself by accident out of habit, I discipline myself by noting something else I have to give up in its place.

You notice I haven't asked you to give up any certain kinds of food, but just to give up a little something here and there progressively until it becomes a disciplined habit. Why? Because the most important thing is for you to become more disciplined in taking control of what you eat and the quantities.

Once this base level of discipline is developed, you have grown stronger mentally, which will make you able to take the next logical and necessary steps. What is that, you ask? Learning what the bad foods are and substituting other things for the junk. You will be surprised to learn that for the most part, not many things by themselves are "bad" for you, but quantity of intake or quality of ingredients is what typically makes something healthy or unhealthy.

Finally, the next logical step along the way is to increase activity with changed eating habits. I am confident you can lose weight and get healthy by following this reasonable, progressive, and achievable approach with "measured" discipline. By increasing activity with your new eating habits you will naturally begin to lose the weight and become more fit. The great thing is, the more active you are, the more you can eat without increasing in weight. What a plan for a healthy life. It's all up to you.

There isn't a diet, or exercise plan out there that can work for you, unless you can take these reasonable, progressive, achievable and disciplined steps to get there according to what YOU know about yourself. Not another soul on this earth knows your will power, your capacity for change or your level of discipline like you do. Nobody. Design a plan for YOU that works. Be real with yourself and YOU will succeed in your way, your power and right on YOUR time.

I hope you get this. I mean really, really get this. Discipline to do the right thing, in the right measure is what brings the right result. What can you do today to get started? I got started with one simple thought shared with me by my daughter. She said, "Dad, I just eat until I am not hungry anymore, not until my belly is full." That was pretty good, and it worked for me.

It doesn't matter if your self-improvement effort is losing weight, quitting smoking, getting over a fear of speaking in public or anything else: YOU are in charge of the program for lasting change. If you are making change for someone else, you often come away empty handed, but if you make change for yourself, your hands will always be prosperous.

These are my opinions only. I am not a doctor. Always seek the advice of a physician before beginning any exercise program or changing your eating habits. There are certain precautions that must be considered by some people with certain medical conditions. Seeing your Doctor, might be your first step of measured discipline.

We Underestimate The Presence of Our Friends

Have you ever told someone you loved, that you wanted them to stay home? When they ask why, you reply, "just because I enjoy having you nearby". Almost always, they will ask; what are we going to do? You tell them, "oh nothing", "I just want to know you are there".
I have done this with my kids and others. They were often frustrated because I didn't want them to go anywhere. I just wanted them there. It was like medicine to my soul. I couldn't explain it, and yes, it may have frustrated them, but I loved them and just their presence in the house made me feel better. Others may not be aware of it, or perhaps were aware and won't admit it, but they have just wanted you to be there too.
It was never about the words spoken or the things done, it was just the "being there" that was comforting and mattered so much.
I call it the beautiful and quiet presence of unconditional love. Nobody has to know why, it is just a comforting acceptance of loves presence.
Though it seems torturous to the other party who may seem held hostage by it at that time, they too will one day find and understand that need. The unexplainable desire to have someone they love "just be there" whether a word is spoken, or whether they do anything at all.
Each of us have very different lives, priorities in life, needs, desires, dreams and even things that steal time from us.
Subsequently, we are hindered in responding to every person who writes us, makes a comment, wants a phone call, or a visit, but we all have things that carry us away from all that we would like to do.
For me, the presence of all my friends is sufficient. As I look through all the pictures and videos, read the comments, blogs, feel a prayer, receive a phone call or listen to messages it gives me great joy to hear and see every ones joys, battles, victories, special moments, tragedies, healing and all their favorite stuff. It is then I begin to feel that "quiet and beautiful presence" of unconditional love that says to me; all I need from you friend, is to be there, and let me share with you.
Even if I don't respond in word because of all the things that steal me away; you still share and send me special thoughts, and I hope you trust that I am there and "just being there" is enough.
We all have faults; some similar and others different from each other. But, if we are friends we should be able to count on this one thing: No matter our lack, we can trust the love of our friends is greater than our faults. We can know that we are loving and being loved by "just being there" in the quiet and beautiful presence of unconditional love.
When someone doesn't seem to respond to you the way "you" think they should, as often as "you" think they should, or with the speed "you" think they should, don't send them "guilt messages" about their faults as you see them. Instead, take the opportunity to be a true friend and love them in spite of what you perceive to be faults by "just being there". Continue to send them your thoughts, desires, pictures, etc.., and as your friend, they will respond in their own way and time.
If you "demand" that a "friend" behave according to your code of expectations to be acceptable, then perhaps the mirror could help you find the friend that has failed. All we create when we have this thinking is a cult-following that will fall away the day they realize they haven't been following a friend at all. I hope you get the irony of that.

Let's love each other for who we are, not what we wish each other was, and maybe something more beautiful will develop in all of us; like the quiet and beautiful presence of unconditional love that is content with "just being there".
Just know I am there and I see all that you share and accept you in spite of any faults uniquely or mutually discoverable within us. I bask in the awesome wonder of every detail I discover about you and all that is important to you, as you share those things with me.
Even if I am that still and quiet friend who is "just there" I will always respond; someday, sometime and in some way that is all me.


With Great Love,


Your friend, whether as:


Husband, Father, Dad, Grandfather, Brother, Uncle, Friend, Pastor, Mentor,Prayer Partner,Soldier,Boss,Subordinate,Stranger,Fellow Citizen, Neighbor,Coworker or Ex-Husband.



Go ahead: add to the list the ways you have just been there as a friend to someone when you comment on this blog. Tell us about your special friend experiences.

WIN with YOU!

The first relationship we need to have on track in this life is the one we have with ourselves. If we don't get over ourselves first, we will never have sexy, real or healthy relationships with anyone else.

What do I mean by saying, "get over ourselves first?" It means, we have to first get "REAL" with ourselves regarding how we feel about our own person. Until we get real and totally honest about how we perceive ourselves, we will never, ever have any other relationship that is sexy, real, or healthy. Do you feel sexy? Do you feel Healthy? Can you be "REAL" with yourself in answering those questions? It does not matter what the rest of the world tells us or tries to convince us of: if we don't answer the questions for "REAL", we will always be unhappy. It all starts with YOU. No, I don't mean that sappy, get in touch with who you are stuff. You already know who you are, and what you "REALLY" feel about "YOU". Come on, let me show you what I mean.

1. The world will lie to you: Yes, you know it's true. You have done it too. The world around us has been taught to lie in one of three ways, and all are cruel: one just seems less cruel than the other.

a. The goody two shoes lie: It goes something like this. You look at yourself in the mirror with disgust because you see a 5 foot tall woman who looks grossly and embarrassingly fat at 250lbs. Your dear friend is standing nearby, and you turn with a probing question. "Do you think I am gross and ugly?" Of course your good friend, not desiring to hurt your feelings because they "care" for you, responds: "no way girl, you are big and beautiful. If anyone doesn't like it, forget em'." You smile an uneasy smile, willing to take that moment of affirmation, knowing all the while you left the truth behind you at the mirror. After all, you ARE grossly and embarrassingly FAT. How could I dare say such a thing, you might ask? Because I do "care" and I believe in "REAL" truth telling. Please understand where I am coming from before you nail me to the cross. There is an element of truth in what the friend says, but the greater point is: "YOU" saw yourself in the mirror as a 5 foot tall woman who looks grossly and embarrassingly fat at 250 lbs. YOU are not happy with yourself or you would not have asked the question. Now, this was presented as a hypothetical situation that wasn't "exactly" or completely hypothetical. This was pretty much a conversation I have had with myself many days in my previous and pathetic life. Oh, I had people around me that were the goody two shoes person for me, but "I" knew I hated what I saw. I was not 5 foot and 250 lbs, but it was what I felt like. I was about 5' 10" and about 245 miserable pounds of bitter man-flesh. All the people who care about me surrounded me with love and smiles while I was miserable and doing a great job of loathing myself. Before I get to the self-diagnosis and potential cure, let me tell you about the second lie.

b. The big "bully" lie: This is where people abuse you because you aren't "normal" like them. These are the type who will, without your asking, tell you just what they think about what they see. If you are overweight, they will say things solely for the purpose of inflicting emotional pain upon you. Things like: big fatty, stinky, smelly Patty. Be careful, if she sits on you, you will go splatty. She's so ugly her mama smacked the doctor when she came out. Pretty cruel, huh? Especially for the person who already hates themselves for the way they see themselves. It just adds validity to how they may already feel. It doesn't have to be true, and the bully doesn't care. The bully gets their thrill from seeing you whimper. You may smell like a bed of flowers, but they associate fat with things like smelly or pigs, etc.. Does it make it true? No, of course not, but they know it's hurtful and that's the whole thrill for these idiot's. They have issues of their own to deal with because they are very weak people, but that's another story. Okay, let's move on to lie number three.
c. The "we can win the world" Lie: This is the hope the world gives you that some day, some how, if you do it their way: you can look like them, talk like them, walk like them, dress like them, become "normal" like them and ultimately accepted by them. Now, this is the laughable one. Maybe even more cruel than the "bully". Which of "them" are you going to be? You can't win with the world until you get over yourself and "WIN with YOU". This world will always come after you for something. Maybe your nose is too big or too small. Perhaps you talk too much or too little. You might just be too liberal or conservative. Get my point?

The bottom line is: The questions you ask yourself in the mirror are questions worth thoughtful reflection. Pun intended. Whether you look in the mirror and ask "goody two shoes", get abused and feel the bullies remarks are justified, or feel you have to chase after the many world views of "normal", the "REAL" problem is with you, what you see, and ultimately, what you are going to do about it. Well, what are you going to do about it?

WIN with YOU! That's what you are going to do about it, and it begins by getting over yourself. "How do I do that", you ask? That's it! ASK and ANSWER yourself for REAL. You know what you see and don't like about yourself, what you love about yourself, what really doesn't matter to yourself, and finally, what YOU will DO about yourself. One thing I know, is that nobody has to tell us our faults and strengths. We already know all about ourselves.

If you want to have sexy, real, and healthy relationships with the people around you in all your walks of life then put yourself in charge to WIN with YOU.

Do what I did. You see, when people came to me with problems, I was always a good listener. I offered them advice, but if they made no change and continued on with the old habits, I didn't respect that. I loathed that and saw them as weak individuals. If they came to me repeating the same old song, my response was clear. I told them if they really wanted things to be different they would change what's the matter. I told them in short order, "either fix it, decide it doesn't matter and shut up or do something. If not, don't waste my time with your constant whining and pathetic excuses for not taking charge of your life."

Then, the day of reckoning came. I was standing at the mirror, naked, and loathing what I saw. I was divorced and not dating because I saw myself as a fat and disgusting pig that nobody would have reason to value. Even more to the point, I told myself off. I said to myself, "you are pathetic and a miserable whiner who refuses to take charge of their life. If you don't like what you see, then fix it, decide it doesn't matter and shut up, or do something about it."

I finally heard my own words. I answered myself for REAL too. I told myself, "you have no excuse to be overweight. You don't feel good because you ARE fat and out of shape. You are not healthy. You were in the military and you know how to fix it, so get to it or shut up!" I heard myself loud and clear.

Now, just to clear the record, my weight wasn't the only reason for my gloom, but it was something I could control. I took charge of it. I did or was doing all I could to correct financial issues after my divorce. I was doing well at my work, although I was a little cranky when playing with others due to how I felt about myself, but I wanted to change that NOW! I was finally tired of wallowing in pity and ready to win with myself. I began recalling how I felt when I was in peak shape and very active in the military. I could feel it all over again. Well, until I actually started working out and felt the beginner fitness pains. Oh man, how I almost quit when I woke up in agony with soreness day after day for the first few weeks, but I didn't. I took charge and was I glad. I found a new zeal, a new bounce, a renewed freshness and a new sense of sexy in how I dealt with people. Whew! I felt GREAT! The agony and shortness of breath just to bend over and tie my shoes was a far-distant memory.

My diet changed, my routines changed, my relationships with others changed, my endurance at work changed and my perspective changed. My mental clarity improved dramatically.......I was happy with me and for me. It was amazing how taking control of that one aspect I hated about myself invaded and positively charged the rest of my life. People keep looking for miracle cures and what I call the "lazy" way to healthy lives.

The miracle cure is to WIN with YOU and it requires taking a path where there are no shortcuts. A path that is only conquered by one thing: YOU on a truck called DISCIPLINE. This is a word people have forgotten in a world of convenience. Well, it doesn't go away just because people forget. Just like a sunburn, you can put ointment on it and you may not feel its pain for a time, but it's still there and time will soon show you.

You won't believe how simple the truth is regarding the secret to conquering all things we want to change. I will tell you why most people fail almost as soon as they get started toward self-improvement in my next post.

What has helped you overcome, to get over yourself and succeed? Feel free to post helpful links on the subject.

I am not a professional doctor of any kind. The opinions expressed are soley my own and not intended to take the place of any medical docotor, physciatrist or any other licensed professional in the areas discussed.